Happy Birthday, Richard

I am blogging today with a humble heart.

Today is my brother's birthday. He would have been 45 years old.

Birthday's were always a big deal around my house. My mother did elaborate parties and really went out of her way to make our day feel special.

Richard was a bright and wonderful person; intelligent with a special spirit.

I felt very connected to him. Actually, I have felt that way right after he passed away. I would talk to him, sense his presence. There were many times that I have felt as if he was watching over me. I felt looked after. Protected.

Certain things have fallen into place so smoothly that it's not even logical.

At different times, I've had different understandings of what is spiritual. I believe sometimes that souls can connect. Reality is weird. Time and defense mechanisms can blur and protect but when you're standing at a grave, it's very, very real.

I have a strong sense that there is a greater plan, that all of this couldn't have been prevented. But, why him? Why someone with such potential to the world and to those around him? It's hard to fathom. You just don't know -- can't understand.

The whole experience changed my life. I know that I'm a completely different person than I would otherwise have been. I don't focus on trivial things.

The separation of body and soul are so strong. It reminds me of why I don't like to take flowers to his grave site. I don't want to try to beautify it because it's not him that I am visiting. His spirit was who he was.

What I know now is that I feel farthest away from him when I'm living my life superficially. My focus is to now keep the things that are REALLY important alive and in order.

May your sweet face shine down upon our lives here and cause us all to strive to be a better person.

I know you are having a wonderful day rejoicing!